Actually, it IS Rocket Science



A Reminder

It kind of makes me sick that I’m writing this here after not writing anything for over two years and having such a morbid reason behind it, but it gets better… stick with me.

I lost a friend.  By his own doing.

And I’m having a pretty hard time with it.

If you look back at one of my previous posts during my Master’s, you’ll see that I work with people on a regular basis to get through struggles like these.  I have since finished my Master’s (surprise!) and I am now two years into getting my Doctorate for Generalized Applied Clinical Psychology (surprise times two!).  I hate saying that or even writing it because it seems like I’m bragging but FUCK IT because I’m about a minor mortgage’s worth in debt so YES, YOU MUST HEAR ABOUT IT AT LEAST ONCE.

While working with people, I have learned various tools and attempted to train people with coping mechanisms for the loss of their loved ones. I have learned how to listen and not push.  I’ve learned to just be there.  Which, by the way, is something we all need to remember how to do.

But with all of the words and lessons I’ve valued and used over the past few years, I can’t apply them to myself right now.  I’m too upset.  And I feel like an idiot for ever pushing that on anyone else who was hurting.

So yes.  I will tell myself the same things I tell my patients. “Let it out” “Are you alright by yourself?” “We can stay here as long as you’d like.” “We don’t even need to talk, LET’S JUST SIT HERE.”

And now I’m starting to feel how contrived all of those once heartfelt words meant.  Maybe because it’s myself telling me these things and I know I can’t be here for myself when myself can’t even be here for me.

Suicide is an insidious thing.  It ruptures everyone in a rippling effect.  And the waves keep coming. This was a person who I wouldn’t even be allowed to be considered “close” to by normal standards.  But living in a city where most people are shallow and only ask you questions to seem polite until they have the opportunity to talk about themselves, finding a person who actually listened and asked thoughtful questions made you feel that you were with someone who cared.  I was never offered a chance for closure for his passing, so this is my attempt at saying goodbye. He was an AMAZING artist and a super witty guy.  Being an artist, I guess we’ll have some piece of him always floating around, which I’ll take over nothing.

Okay, enough. I told you it get’s better:

This is what spurred this post.  This is one of my favorite songs. Ever.  It’s written by a very polarizing band, but I beg you to listen to it and its lyrics. It’s pushed me through the past few days, and other really bad, reeeeeaaaallly bad days. I promise you this is as sloppily sentimental as I’ll ever get with you.  But afford me it this once.

 

Radiohead- “A Reminder”

If I get old, I will not give in
But if I do, remind me of this
Remind me that
Once I was free
Once I was cool
Once I was me

And if I sit down and cross my arms
Hold me into this song

Knock me out, smash out my brains
If I take a chair, start to talk shit…

If I get old, remind me of this:
That night we kissed, and I really meant it

Whatever happens, if we’re still speaking
Pick up the phone, play me this song

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Comments

  1. * Dave says:

    I lost two of my closest friends from law school, and a lot of times it’s music that brings their memories back to me in the sharpest way. I’ll be listening to a song and think, goddammit, Ramzi would’ve loved this.

    | Reply Posted 3 years, 1 month ago
    • God, that’s so interesting. We all have olfactory nerves that we learn about in grade school or high school, which tell us that certain smells remind us of past experiences. I have always felt the same way about music. When I hear a certain song, I think about the place I was in, either physically or mentally when I heard it, and it sits with me forever. Like a fingerprint. I really liked your comment. Thank you for writing that. Very much.

      | Reply Posted 3 years, 1 month ago


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