Actually, it IS Rocket Science

Bicyclist (Part Juan)

This is a precursor to something that happened over the weekend which I will eventually reveal.  But basically, my point is that bicyclists have— you know what?  I’m going to just go ahead with this and I’ll be interested to hear what everyone has to say about the matter by the end of it.  And then we can all go get ice cream.  Sound good?  Yeah??  Harrright!



A couple of years ago I took a defensive driving class because I ran a stop sign.  That’s fun, yeah? Who doesn’t love sitting in a goddam courthouse for hours being taught a more deliberate and less intriguing driving lesson than the one you took in high school when you were more than excited about learning about driving because it either meant A) you were about to finally get the key (the ACTUAL KEY!!) to escape your parents nagging or B) those gruesome videos from the 70’s about bad wrecks when they still showed everything?

No.  Instead, you’re surrounded by people eating nasty, stale pop-tarts and the unctuous smell of McDonald’s Big Breakfast.  Let me say this now:  The only person that McDonald’s smells good to is the one who is about to eat it.  And they are at their final bounty.  At this point, they could eat clods of dirt and it would taste like heaven.

That said, I would still kill a man for an Egg McMuffin and a hashbrown.  But I SAVE THAT SHIT for special occasions.  Like when I’m moving. Or lifting a piano off of someone’s son.  Or a slightly near-death experience.  It’s for the protein.  No flip-flopping here.

And this driving course was taught by someone trained in the art of verbal Chinese water torture.  One. ……Word…. …..At….  ….A…  ….Time…  … …  …  Untilyouloseyourgoddammind.

What I’m trying to get to is the fact that I sat through this shit for about 6 hours, missing work and missing the benefit lunch hosted by a very wealthy group (A group that would have sprung for the Jewish Deli down the street and not some cheap-ass Subway monstrosity), and every so often the educator would stop and say…

“Are there any questions?”

(*if any of you nincompoops ask a question I will shank you with this paperclip attached to my handouts*)

“… …  …Questions?”

***Ed. Note:  You kind of give up after a certain point.  You know they’re going to keep asking this question just to clear time. Negating the fact that you were already feeling extreme guilt because, lest we forget, you used to be an A student.

AN “A” Student

And now you’re just a shitstain on America’s judicial system.  Congratulations.  So you just kind of fold your brain neatly into a shape the same size as an origami crane and tuck it away gently beneath some boxes of pent-up aggression and universal irritation.  Because this is who you are now.  You’re a fuck up.  Go buy a boxcar of Cheetos and get ready for the decline.  This is your future.


Then someone raises their hand and says:

“So, I have… uhm… …well, I have a question.”

“Yes?  Go ahead.”

“… …Well.  …My question is about… …BICYCLISTS.”


“Well… … What I don’t really understand why they have to ride in the streets with us who ride cars.”


“O-kaaayyy.  Well, you do realize that cyclists are required to ride on the streets; they’re not allowed on the sidewalks.”

“Yeah!  I DO!”

“Okay, so how can they ride on the street and not disobey the law?

“…  …AH’M JUST SAYING- They take up the WHOOOOLE lane and they won’t even let the rest of the cars through!”

“Yes, well, they’re allowed to do that.  You share the road with them.”

“But that’s just ridiculous.”

“We’ve seen studies that prove that cyclists have less accidents with vehicles than they do with pedestrians.”

“You tell that to me when I’m runnin’em over.”

“What was that??”



After this conversation, I realized that I wasn’t the only one out of place in this session.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Yo Mama says:

    I pass a billboard every day on my way to work. It always grabs my attention and ALWAYS makes me think of you, Ash…every day. I used to think it was because it is quirky and has your sense of style written all over it. Ha! Now, after reading this blog post I will still think of you when I see it, but for – OH! – such a different reason! Are you designing these on the side?! Hey! Let’s go get ice cream!! 😉

    I would have inserted the pic here, but it wouldn’t let me, so if the link is active, click or copy and paste it in your browser…

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 11 months ago

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