Actually, it IS Rocket Science



You say potato, I say shut your goddam mouth

We love to give elaborate names to amazingly simplistic things, you ever notice that?  It’s like we know that if you said that someone changed the oil on your car, you’d get cricket noises, but if you told them you checked the gauge and found you were two centimeters off and so you preferred an English mechanic to do the job, you’d be met with looks of introspection and admiration.  Guess what, you guys?  Those looks are just people feeling insecure about their own intellect since you worded it in such a way that makes them feel like this is something they should have known about by 1st grade, and they’re simultaneously embarrassed and irritated that you just threw them a whammy when they were just having a pleasant conversation about what happened over the week, or who recommended a decent book here and there.

For example, before I got really into cooking, I encountered a lot of the same thing from people.  If there’s any department of daily life more stuffy in their verbiage than in their actual execution, it’s food.  Below are some examples:

________

“I just used some scallions,” she said.

scallions?  I thought?

“Oh, you know, scallions.  Like, green onions?”  She said.

oh.  I feel like a dummy.

_______

“It’s the pimentos that make it really pop,”  she said.

what the hell is a pimento, and how is it possible to make anything “pop” as a small rectangular piece of nothing more than what I would describe as “tasteless red square”?

“Pimentos.  They’re just marinated red bell pepper that’s been chopped up.”

oh.  You know, you could have just said “red bell pepper” and I’d have been cool with it.

________

“I made aubergine parmesan.  It went fast,” she said.

The HELL are you talking about, lady?

“I decided to slice the eggplant lengthwise instead of the normal circles.”

Yeah.  Because aubergine totally sounds like eggplant.

________

“Do you like them?  They’re caramel with fleur de sel.”

internal thought process: ohhkaaayyyy, sounds like french for flower.  Dude, did you ruin a decent candy with flowers?  That shit is way bitter; I know because I got yelled at in Kindergarten for trying to eat dandilions.

“…I just love salted caramel.”

ohgoddammit.

________

“I decided to spruce it up by adding a bit of croxetti into it.”

“Croxetti…  the pasta?”

You know what? Just say pasta next time.  You could’ve even said “fancy pasta” and I would have gotten the point even more quickly.

________

“I think it was the farro that really brought out the consistency of the casserole,” she said.

I know you’re talking about some food object right now, but all I can think of is the move “Fargo” I saw the other day and now your casserole is making me think of murder and being extremely cold.

“Farro is just a grain, like rice.”

Rice would have sufficed.  You dick.

________

And lastly, just for fun, in a different direction…

“Would you like to try some sweetbreads?”

sweet bread?  Like those awesome hawaiian rolls we had at the barbeque last week? “YES PLEASE.”

… … …

What. The shit. Is this.

“It’s the thymus gland of a pig!”  😀

You are amazingly banal.  Which is surprising, given that you have just proven to be the most accurate description of a garish human shit stain on America’s white dress.

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Comments

  1. Mirepoix. Consommé. Roux. Chiffonnade. Amuse-bouche. Bain-marie. Intermezzo. Je t’aime…

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 11 months ago
  2. * Sula says:

    There you go again….Taking thoughts most of us have probably thought before, and slapping ’em right out on the table! Love it!
    In all fairness, I suppose the fancier words add a little intonation and variety (if not downright confusion.) Sweetbreads!! Ha-Ha! 🙂 🙂

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 11 months ago
    • I think you’re right, Sula. We throw these euphemisms and all that spruced-up proverbial jazz in but it really just accounts for our ability to bullshit our way through common cocktail rhetoric.

      …and, you know, learn something here and there (you did NOT hear that from me.) 🙂

      | Reply Posted 5 years, 11 months ago


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