Actually, it IS Rocket Science

Things I’ve learned (Little Kid ed.)

Being a little kid means you can essentially get away with practically anything under the guise of the fact that “you’re still learning.”  But don’t abuse that shit, for real.  Makes the rest of the kids look bad.

If your parents tell you not to follow them into the branches of briar thistles while they try to find the family cat, for godsake, LISTEN TO THEM.

Don’t eat the oatmeal your mom poured on your body when you got the chicken pox.

Little kids hate it when you call them “little kid.” (this was learned firsthand around 4 years old.)

They also hate it when you call them “Lady Dorkus.”

They especially loathe when you call them “Her Majesty, the Queen of Dork.”

Kids don’t forget when an adult has been an utter douchebag to them.  Even into their twenties.  Dick.

Don’t be angry with your mom because she never got you that trampoline that you asked for REPEATEDLY throughout your adolescence. Because you found a lot of other, more dangerous things to get into.  Just to show her.

The kids that are dicks in Kindergarten are likely to remain dicks for a while.  But they do grow out of it.  …Sometimes.

Get ready for anything that happens after 8pm to be the utmost frightening situation you have ever been subjected to.

Never sneeze with food in your mouth.

There is always a Dracula on the next aisle over in the grocery store contingent upon where you are located at any point in time.  There just is.  And it’s a Dracula.  Not a vampire.  No.  An honest-to-christ Dracula.  And that’s why you can’t just go grab the Cheerios nextdoor, MOM.

Your birthday is THE. SHIT.  You are THE. SHIT.  No excuses.

What’s that?  Jenny’s birthday?  Whatever.  As long as I get a twinkie out of it.  Got some news for you, Jenny.  Ever’body’s got a birthday.  Don’t think your shit don’t stink.

If approached with a grassy hill, do not think twice of rolling down said motherfucker.

Kraft mac n cheese is the shit, has always been the shit, and will forever remain the shit.

Splinters are god’s ultimate fungu to you and yours.

You may really want to go down that aluminum slide. in the middle of the day. in the summer. when the heat index reaches triple digits.  But don’t!  It’s a trap!!

You cannot poop standing up yet.  You simply don’t have the motor faculties to do so.  You also don’t understand general physics between standing up and squatting. PLEASE get an assistant, preferably one that you can trust with holding you up as well as wiping your bottom efficiently.

Strawberries are the best natural creation on the entire goddam planet.

Lima beans, however, suck.

Farts.  Are.  Funny.

If your teacher tells you to drink both your orange juice and your milk before the end of lunch, (and I cannot impress upon this enough) Just.  Fucking.  Do it.  Otherwise you are about to encounter the crazy-terrible hybrid of an acid and a base, in one cup.  And the results are revolting.

There are very few times in life when wiping a booger on someone else will be overlooked, even in some cases chuckled at.

Go. Crazy.


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  1. * Sula says:

    Laughing my ass almost completely OFF! :-)))

    | Reply Posted 7 years ago

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