Actually, it IS Rocket Science



This is why I have DV-R

There’s a new series of commercials that are circulating around which have taken advantage of all of the huge leaps forward in technology that we’ve made in the past several years.  No, c’mon, you know what I mean.  Commercials that take their cue from time lapse films or morphing images like in Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video.

But as much as I suppose I should be willing to bow down to their abilities to do such great things in getting on board with such neat technology, I’ve witnessed two particular commercials whose sponsors have run so forward on the looney scale that they’re now bordering treacherously close to the deranged catergory.

These are two commercials that I’ve only seen once or twice, but have stuck with me for the sheer fact that they are at once both depressing and also extremely frightening.

The first: (sorry, guys.  I looked for this everywhere to get a decent video of it, but for now if you could be a dear and just bite the bullet and live with what I filmed from my point and shoot:) (Oh, and if you haven’t seen it before already, yes, there is no vision of the guys’ face throughout the entire thing.  What, did you think I was that bad a videographer?)

Now, this just upsets me on several levels.  Firstly, this commercial is basically explaining that the only thing we have to look froward to is the oppressive hold that gasoline will have over us for the rest of our lives.  You know what?  Screw “Gas for life.”  Guess what?  NO ONE wins those things; they’ve always got an inside horse.  What they’re REALLY saying is “get ready to live your life savings out at the pump, asshole.  Oh, and enjoy that pregnant man-gut you got from eating too many nachos from our convenience store.”

And on top of things, how depressing is it to watch your ambiguous self-reflection age right before your eyes in less than thirty seconds.  AT A PUMP, no less??  Geez, I can think about TEN thousand other ways I’d prefer to live out my old age, if it ever came to it.  It would involve going in a park, or to the movies, or anywhere that would get me away from that smell all elderly care centers seem to have.  You know, that bleach-scented stale pee smell?  But wait.  All of those would require driving to partake in.

Hey, 76 gas, go eat a bag of dicks.

________

Oh, and then there’s this:

Holy. Farts.  I don’t even know where to start with this one.  Should it be about how detrimental it could be for you to tell your potential park frequenters that there’s a chance they might suddenly hyper-age like that shitty Robin Williams movie “JACK”?  Or how it’s absolutely beyond horrific to watch a young child, vibrant and virile in his youth, to become probably the SCARIEST OLD MAN I’VE EVER SEEN??

You know what?  DON’T CARE.  These videos are just downright screwed in la cabeza.  Which is why it creeps me out that someone’s giving them the green light, or that they actually think these things are going to be a good idea for their company.  Sure!  A commercial portraying the long and winding road into arthritis, dementia, and possibly any other degenerative disease.  I like it!  BUT WAIT!  Stick with me on this- just spitballing here.  What if we… put. it. into… Hyperdrive!  Make our audience painfully aware of just how fleeting our lives go by and make them feel miniscule and that their efforts in their better years are basically still gonna get them thrown in some old folks home drinking meat out of a straw, or through a hypodermic needle, if they’re even lucky to get that far, am I right, Tom?  Yeah, Tom knows what I’m talking about.  Oh yeah, and spit some shit out at the end with our brand so that they think it’s worth patronizing our branch.  Are we good here?

All right.  Full disclosure?  I’m probably going to hit up Magic Mountain and/or UStudios before the end of the summer, but it has NOTHING TO DO with that freaky-ass commercial.

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Comments

  1. * Kimberly says:

    whoa, I had to watch the kid turning into the old man twice – like roadkill – you can’t look away!

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 11 months ago


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