Actually, it IS Rocket Science

Why your teeth are assholes

I don’t mean that in the literal sense, of course.  But seriously, teeth are some big time dickfaces.

You tell me about any other bone in the body that purposefully protrudes OUT OF YOUR SKIN, and I’ll offer to rethink things.  (And no fair bringing up the bones in our ears.  If I can’t see it without a scope, it just don’t count, yo.)

I’ve compiled several case scenarios to support my argument, which I will present at this time:


Exhibit A:

TEETHING.  Every attentive and loving parent knows that that teething is probably one of the most GODDAM STUB-YOUR-TOE-INFURIATING things in your baby’s life, not to mention your own (especially your own).  This is usually the only time a parent contemplates taking the risk of getting their children drunk by rubbing alcohol on the infant’s gums- THAT’S how shitty teething is for everyone involved.  I don’t particularly remember this stage, but I’m almost certain my parents do.  But you guys signed on to this, so you should have read the fine lines in childhood upbringing.  Don’t worry, though.  You’ll get a chance to redeem yourselves later.


Exhibit B:

BABY TEETH FALL OUT.  They fall out.  They fall right the fuck out.  You spent a great deal of time dealing with this little dipshit of a dictator who is incapable of speech but is yet able to bitch and moan for several months without actually fashioning a coherent phrase, let alone a word.  And your reward?  Those little boney assholes just plop out of your kid’s mouth without so much as a thank you.

I once acquired a cavity that I pitched a giant fit about until my mom brought me to our family dentist.  The dentist explained that there was no use in taking care of it since my tooth was going to fall out sooner than later.  And left my mom to clean up the co-pay.  And then I asked for a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure as a reward for sitting in a chair for longer than 5 minutes.


Exhibit S:


Yeeeeeeeuuuuu Sonsabitches.


Exhibit FANCY!:

TEETH GROW OUT OF PLACE.  Uncomfortable, and sometimes horribly unattractive.  You know where this is going:


Exhibit Steel Magnolias:

BRACES.  Think about this: Your doctor tells you he needs to fasten a man-made linkage device from your ankle to your hairline that you will have to wear for the next 2 years, give or take a few.  Because it will help things in the long run.

Fun fact!  My orthodontist actually told me that my braces wouldn’t make a difference on how my teeth actually look.  I looked over to him and asked:

“Does that mean my teeth will never look ‘good’?”

“No!!  Your smile is actually fine!  We’re just trying to correct your bite.”

“What?  So this won’t have any effect on how I look once it’s all over?”

“No, not really.”

I don’t even know where to start.  Seriously!  I’ve started writing this part several times and I keep erasing it.  There’s nothing fun about braces.  And to the children who were born after 2000 who have the advantage of Invisalign:  Don’t come crying to me about your piss poor little lives on a completely invisible and unobtrusive method of getting those crummy mouth buttheads even.


Exhibit Hamburglar:

WISDOM TEETH.  I haven’t had mine taken out… yet.  And it’s been looming over me since the 8th grade.  Every time I go in for a routine cleaning, I pray that if I ever get a reactive “Whoa!” from my dentist that it is in response to some mouth ulcer or even a cavity, it will be because I’ve dealt with those before.  I’m ready for them.  What I’m NOT ready for is an extraction of such a deeply-rooted mouth-bone that it requires heavy sedation and multiple days of eating nothing but solutions in food categories.

Not to mention, it’s a pretty dickish thing to do when you’ve cared for your mouth this whole time and all of a sudden you get a drop-in who didn’t previously RSVP, and in turn decided to make its grand entrance so late in life after you thought you had overcome most of the oral bullshittery.


Exhibit Parthenon:

YELLOWING:  If I have to look at one more person with blindingly white teeth, I’m gonna puke eggshell.  You’re trying too hard, friends, and it’s painfully obvious.  I’ll tell you this:  NO ONE has naturally alabaster teeth.  If you want to put on a few whitestrips here and there, go ahead.  But don’t go apeshit, yeah?  Keep it somewhere between SW7566 Westhighland White and SW00500 Classic Light Buff.


So next time you’re thinking about that expensive waterpik or that super special on tooth enamel restoration, consider this:  Tooth enamel can’t be “restored.”  When it’s gone, it’s gone, like, kaputso.  And waterpiks are prone to mold.  Would you like to shoot MOLD through your mouth?  Continuously??

Didn’t think so.

And finally:  When was the last time your teeth woke up out of bed after forgetting to brush your hair in the middle of the night because if they didn’t it would FALL OUT?


Your teeth are assholes.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Stephanie says:

    Did you know I had braces for 7 years? 7!!!! Erik and I met WHILE I HAD BRACES (13-20). Horrific.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago
    • Haha! think I remember that. Just goes to show Erik knows a diamond in the metallic rough.

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago
  2. * Kimberly says:

    Love the details that you supply. Like this…

    “Keep it somewhere between SW7566 Westhighland White and SW00500 Classic Light Buff.”

    Perfect, see? Because most people are happy to offer up advice without any actual guidance. I mean, sure we’re supposed to have pearly whites. But HOW white without flashbacks of Donny Osmond or similarities to Chicklets gum???

    Thank you.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago
    • I feel that being specific is the only way to get your point across. Or not, out of politeness. I have no idea.

      I really should have let Donny Osmond write this post.

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago
  3. * Yo Mama says:

    And I remember when you were soooo excited at the prospect of getting those braces. *chuckle* Seems everyone had them and you wanted them too… for about 5 minutes once they were on!

    Oh, and if its any consolation, I still have all of my wisdom teeth. How do you think I got so smart? 😉 Maybe you will follow in my footsteps, if you are lucky!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago
    • geez. I knew you’d bring that up.

      I just consider it an early indoctrination to the fact that something my peers are doing aren’t NECESSARILY decent enough to follow. Definitely an “if your friend’s jumped off a bridge” scenario.

      except in this case the bridge was a mind-boggling device of new-aged medieval mouth torture.

      And I paid. I paid GREATLY.

      We ALL paid.

      (Candlelit vigil set for 7pm- I’m lookin at YOU, Steph)

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 8 months ago

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