Actually, it IS Rocket Science



Unknown caller

This morning I received a phone call from an exceptional friend who I haven’t had the opportunity to speak with in what could very well be several years on account that they now live out of the country, and therefore phone calls across the pond are a lot less accessible as you might think.  Instead we abuse the everloving shit out of emails, which is better than nothing, but given the fact that they recently returned to the states for a short trip and thus have access to a more local phone offered me a genuinely lovely surprise of a phone salutations.

Apart from the fact that talking to them is not unlike eating warm brownies while Radiohead plays an all acoustic rendition of OK Computer just for you, getting a phone call from an unknown number that shares my same area code and is thus calling from my old neighborhood are more often than not means that a veritable grab bag of voices lurk behind the answer button.  Which is what made answering the call and hearing an immediately recognizable voice even that much more a welcome change.

The sheer amount of wrong numbers I get from Southwest Louisiana is amazing.  Right now we’re averaging 3 per month.  I have different ringtones that decipher between my known contacts and unidentified numbers, and boy, when I hear that distinct ring, I brace myself:  it either means I’m getting a call from an automated solicitor or I’m about to engage with a person who is going to be blown away that I’m not Meredith…OR Scott, and probably has nothing to do with the possibility that they may have dialed the wrong number, as far as they’re concerned.

I’ve answered the phone to someone who has already launched into the conversation long before I had the opportunity to pick up the phone, which sounds something like this:

Ashlin: Hel-

Person:  And really, I mean wouldn’t you think that I knew she wasn’t really going out of town?!

Ashlin: I’m sorry?

Person:  What?  Oh… *click*

_______

I’ve answered from people who get it:

Ashlin:  Hello?

Male:  Uh, yes, Don, please?

Ashlin:  Oh, I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

Male:  Oh!  Very sorry.

Ashlin:  No worries!  Have a nice day.

Male:  You too, ma’am.

(that’s one thing about people that get it.  They’re always polite and end the conversation accordingly rather than just hanging up)

________

I’ve answered the phone to those who don’t:

Ashlin:  Hello?

Male: … … Well HEY… …

Ashlin:  Hi.  Who is this?

Male:  Shaddup.  You know who this is.

Ashlin:  …?… Nnnooo.  Who am I speaking with?

Male:  It’s me.

Ashlin:  I think you have the wrong number.

Male:  STOP PLAYING.  NOW ARE YOU GONNA COME PICK ME UP?!

Ashlin:  Nope. *click*

____________

I’ve answered calls from ancient and loving grandparents:

Ashlin:  Hello?

Grandmother:  … … …Hey-…hellooooo?

Ashlin:  Yes, hi!  Who am I speaking with?

Grandmother:  …He-…Happy Birthday, Baby!

Ashlin:  Oh!  Thank you!  But I think you might have dialed the wrong number.

Grandmother:  … …Wha-…What’s that??

Ashlin:  I said I think you dialed the wrong number?

Grandmother:  … … …Is this Jessica?

Ashlin: Noooo, this is Ashlin, I’m sorry!

Grandmother:  Let me speak to your mother, honey.

Ashlin:  Ma’am, I think you should try calling her again.

Grandmother:  …What?

Ashlin:  This isn’t Jessica.  Try calling one more time.

Grandmother:  … Oh my…

*dead air for 15 seconds because I’m not going to hang up on a nice old lady*

Ashlin:  Okay… goodbye!

Grandmother: …Shoot, Henry, how do I press redial? *click*

_________

I’ve answered to, well, I don’t even know if they were human or not (for the record: this was not a wrong number from Louisiana, but rather South Dakota, of all places, but still fits in the pantheon of oddly misplaced phone calls):

Ashlin:  Hello?

Person?: … eab…bee…buzzelll.

Ashlin:  What?

Person?: …iastinaw…litu…dern.

Ashlin: (I said absolutely nothing because at this point I was genuinely curious if I would hear anything that could be deemed of the English Language)

Person?: PLEE…Getina..kawr

Ashlin:  Please get in the car??

Person?:  NO!!…Pweee!  Geit’naw…Kawar!!

Person?: Twee…dunnaw…mitrealle streep.

Person?:  …AAAAAWWWW FUJIT. *click*

Well, at least he got “No” in there.

_______

And finally, the best misplaced call I have ever received, placed at 1:30am which meant the caller was living at 3:30am their time and was probably getting desperate, understandably:

Ashlin: …Whut.

Woman:  Are you gonna get over here and—Wait.  WHO IS THIS?!

Ashlin:  You’ve got the wrong number.

Woman:  BITCH! YOU BETTER NOT BE WITH MY MAYAN!

Ashlin:  What?  No. Look. No. I don’t even live in Louisisana.  You’ve got the wrong number.

Woman:  NO!  FUH THAT!  SHIRLEY!  SHIRLEY! DAVE’S GOT A BITCH OVER THERE ANSWERING HIS PHONE!

Ashlin:  You know what?  Tell Shirley to-

Woman:  NO!. IMCOMINOVERTHEREANDYOUBETTERTELLDAA-

*click*

Dave, I’m sorry.  I think I may have just placed an incomparable rift in the love of your life.

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Comments

  1. * Mr Roberts says:

    Best one I ever did toooo the other end of the phone line was with a telemarketer. I saw the number and answered knowing precisely who was on the other end. Telemarketer answers back and he jumps right in and starts on his speech. After about 30 seconds of him trying to sell me swampland in Florida…..

    Me – Sooooo, Fred, its 9pm, do you know where your kids are?

    Telemarketer … Er …. Ah….. Um …..Um ……(5 solid seconds of silence)

    Me …… Got you, didn’t I?

    Telemarketer – (Astounded) Yes…..

    Me ,,,, Have a nice night. 🙂

    Click.

    | Reply Posted 6 years ago
  2. * Bruno says:

    Yo, what a strange thing. In this morning (or was it at night? I wasn’t thinking of where was I or what time was it, I just answered the goddamned phone) this freaky girl called me and it went something like:
    Girl: OH, hi!
    Me: ….. (is it REALLY three in the morning?)
    Girl: Bruno, right?
    Me: *Mumbling* Yeah who is it?
    Girl: Hey, Bruno, it’s me! (who is ‘me’? I don’t think she minded telling me) That friend of Fabiana, you know? It’s just that I’m here, outside Balaio de Gatos (a pub) and I was wondering whether you could put me in because, you know, I’m still under age, and Fabi told me you’re so nice, you put her in last night, so I was wondering whether you can pick me up right at the main entrance…
    Me: Of course, are you the girl dressed in yellow?
    Girl: Not reall…
    *I hang up the phone*

    And seriously, normally speaking I would feel bad for giving her fake hopes that I could really be the guy she was looking for, but I was really focused on wishing her a nice trip to rot in the deepest hell, because THREE. IN. THE. MORNING. is ~~not~~ a good time to have this kind of conversation. If you know what I mean.

    ___

    Plus, today I woke up sick, puking and stuff. Could it be a divine punishment for my behavior? If so, I really hope that girl is doing fine, because calling to strangers in the middle of the night is a sin in my religion.
    Ha.

    | Reply Posted 6 years ago
    • HAHA! Ohhh, this made my day. 🙂 Although I do hope you’re feeling better!

      | Reply Posted 6 years ago


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