Actually, it IS Rocket Science



This post will change your life

You know how the conversation goes.  You’re in an informal conversation with someone in a normal setting when you get on the topic of a recent book/movie/event/etc. that the other person has recently enjoyed, where you then casually remark that you haven’t had the opportunity to take part in yet, and what follows is an onslaught of seraphim’s voices professing all laud-and-honor of the life-altering effects of said topic.  The first time this happens you might listen intently at the magical properties this particular entity might contain, given how excited your friend is about it, and you rush home later, chomping at the bit to take part in the latest movement that he or she has made very clear is on the cusp of changing the world.

And then at some point you realize you just spent $35 bucks on a criterion collection release of some pretentious asshole’s audio memoirs set to an intentionally ironic Ace of Base soundtrack.  This realization is usually followed by the feeling of being a complete jackass for allowing someone to bamboozle you so well that you think they may have even done it on purpose, just to make you feel like a dumbass.

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So here are a list of things that have been completely ruined for me by others thoroughly overhyping them:

Rushmore (and most other Wes Anderson films, for that matter.  He’s just lucky he didn’t butcher The Fantastic Mr. Fox or else this would be a post dedicated to why I dislike the majority of his work)

Catcher in the Rye- the only thing phony about this was that I highly doubt you ever actually read the book, hipster with wide-rimmed sunglasses and a scarf on in the summer.

Casablanca- shit.  I just fell asleep writing that.

Mulholland Drive- I wish I had told the girl who raved about it “Silencio” long before she blew it for me.

Shutter Island- had that shit figured out within the first 10 minutes, spent the other 75 trying not to yell at the screen/the person who told me it was “such a trip”

Poetry- pretty much all of it.

On The Road- hey, you remember that time when someone told you about this completely transformative book and they made it sound like it would be the key to understanding what it’s all about and how you needed to go get it wait no just borrow his because you need to read this now and you did and you realized you had just gotten into a conversation with a really stoned guy at a party that overhyped an otherwise decent book that offered an interesting approach at stream of consciousness writing but because he had gushed over it for a solid hour that you now felt like a deflated balloon with a headache?  Yeah, so do I.

Grizzly Bear-Oooo, this one’s classic.  This was when about AT LEAST 7-10 friends wouldn’t just shutthefuckup about the band already and by the time I listened to them, I was expecting a magical hammock to float out from the ground and cradle me for the next hour.  Instead I just got a bunch of low-range Wurlitzer nonsense that if played loud enough made my bowels rumble.

latte’s- it’s just a lot of warm milk and a disproportionate amount of coffee.  What you probably meant to tell me was that you like reenacting your toddlerhood without the hassle of a sippy cup.

Red bull-  are you sure you meant to tell me this stuff tastes like sprite and gives me that “perfect amount of ‘oomph’?”  Because all I’m getting from it is the flavor of carbonated pez and mad caffeine jitters.

Citizen Kane- Admittedly, this is less of an overhype and more of a long-running spoiler since the day I first heard about it.  Just because I was born after the movie made history doesn’t mean I should be subjected to the twist ending before I have an opportunity to watch it.  (Also, keep this in mind when you introduce your children to Coen Bros. movies in a few years.)

Croquet-  Seriously, how goddam ripped do you have to be to have a decent time playing this?  If I had to estimate due to the apparent  blood/alcohol content the WASP who attempted to teach me, pretty heavily.

Incense- does it really cover up other nefarious scents as well as you say it does?  Because now all I smell is weed and nag champa.

And finally:

Law and Order: SVU- It’s not really that great, I think you’ve just got some seriously hidden sexual deviance issues to resolve.

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The only thing I can offer from this ridiculous post is this:  if you EVER find yourself in a conversation with someone where a topic of something you feel strongly about comes up, don’t waste your time and theirs trying to get them to see how absolutely flawless its cinematography is, or that the director’s use of light will make you well up inside, or how the author’s understanding of iambic pentameter will blow you away, or anything else.  Just offer a simple suggestion, at most, of, “It’s something you might want to check out sometime.  And let me know once you have.”

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Comments

  1. I really liked Casablanca, but seriously fuck Catcher in the Rye.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago
    • Admittedly on the topic of Casablanca, I have a feeling I just watched it too young, on account that all I remember is endlessly looking around the room and continuously asking my mom if it was snack time yet.

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago
  2. * kimbelly says:

    you like reenacting your toddlerhood without the hassle of a sippy cup – guilty!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago
    • Ha! Maybe I’m just jealous of latte enthusiasts because if I drank that much warm milk in the morning I would be sleeping like an infant by 10am.

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago


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