Actually, it IS Rocket Science

Strike that, reverse it.

Friday confession day!  Diddly doo!

I would like to share something with you that you have more than likely already picked up on.  It’s an unending source of hilarity for me as well as my close friends, and I think it’s time that I actually addressed it on here.

I consistently use the wrong words to describe what I’m attempting to say.

Once I got into a conversation with a friend about child drop-out rates from school which was going really well until I referenced “truncated” instead of “truancy”

One time, during a conversation about a recent political debate, wherein everyone was so goddam arrogant of themselves and ready to wage political warfare given the drop of a hat, in reference to a debate where the incumbent’s response was terse yet heartfelt, I blatantly misused the word “sardonic” when I actually meant to say “laconic.”

My mom still corrects me today that what I meant to say was “PERSECUTE” and not “PROSECUTE.”

And more hilariously, as well as most recently, I noticed a whole TWO DAYS after I posted my last installment that I mentioned that there was also a sort of crappy fact that a lunar eclipse never garnishes the same amount of excitement as its better loved brother, the solar eclipse.

a lunar eclipse never GARNISHES the same amount of excitement??

Anycrap, what is so SHITTY about this is that for writing purposes, I try my hardest to make sure my grammar is always correct by performing multitudes of spell checks to avoid a misspelled word or a poorly constructed phrase, as well as the well-known and all-feared dangling modifiers.  But even spell check can’t fix the problems that spawn from someone who regularly vacillates between idiot savant and brain dead.

Par example, I was once discussing my feedback on a paper I wrote in an English class where my teacher was trying to help me understand that I had, indeed, made a misuse of a certain participle in the formation of a sentence which left the phrase open-ended and thusly unstable.  What some might call a DANGLING PARTICIPLE, if you will.  And being the cocky sonofabitch that I was back then responded to a tenured professor, “Oh.  You mean a hanging chad?”

How I ever passed that class is still a mystery and an act of grace beyond reason.  It was during the Dubya administration, though, obviously, so I’m just gonna go ahead and blame it on that.

But I have made peace with this personal flaw.  I accept it as anyone would do the same with a niece with an unfortunate harelip.  Thom Yorke has a prolapsed eye but he still has some beautiful pipes.  Carly Simon apparently got fucked over by a total man-slut but still managed to come out smelling like roses.  Michael J Fox has Parkinson’s but he still nails it on timing.  Stephen Hawking lives in a permanent state of this-shit-is-totally-fucked-up-and-no-wonder-he-doesn’t-believe-in-god, but he’s still written a decent book here and there.

So the way I see it is this:  everything that comes out of my mouth (and subsequently through my posts) is a veritable lottery.  I have a very good chance of hitting the powerball as much as I do striking out.  And when my numbers don’t match up (which isn’t that uncommon) it’s only an epicenter for the next belly laugh.  I think maybe I should actually turn this into a new category.  We could all find some really funny crap before too long. Whaddya say?  Let’s make Historectomy!


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  1. Mooning « Actually, it IS Rocket Science pingbacked on 6 years, 10 months ago


  1. * perpetualnervousness says:

    Honestly, I thought the garnishing thing was very poetic (and intentional!). It sounds better than the correct phrase. So don’t count yourself out – sometimes you might stumble across something beautiful! I love words, myself – I guess you could say I’m ambidextrous.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 10 months ago

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