Actually, it IS Rocket Science



Infomercials are ruining my life

I have a confession to make.

Until now only a select few knew about it.  For the most part I’ve kept it a quiet, dark secret tucked deep within my psyche.

My name is Ashlin, and I’m addicted to infomercials.

If I’m flipping through the channels and come across an extended ad for the latest handheld grill that can also straighten your hair or a vacuum that doubles as a life coach, it’s like sticking my foot in quicksand.  I’m not getting outta there until it sucks the life out of me for the duration of the program or someone physically pulls me out from it.

Yeah, you all wanna watch this movie again now, dontcha?

It’s hard to describe the level of satisfaction that comes from watching these things, because that level of satisfaction is wholly contingent upon the type of product the people starring in them are promoting…

Grilling product/sandwich pocket maker/panini press:  Wait, you mean I can make MORE than just a sandwich in this thing?!  That’s INCREDIBLE!  Let’s see what you can do with this devil’s food cake mix and a fun sized Snickers!!

Work out program/weight loss supplements:  Look at you guys.  You have all these before photos and look at you now.  And all you had to do was exercise 14 hours a day everyday/stop eating completely/possibly develop an eating disorder that you’re not really telling anyone about yet.  Good for you.  Good for you.

Cleaning products/mops/steamers/Oxyclean/KaBoom!: The day Billy Mays died, I felt a great disturbance, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

Products that completely revolutionize your daily existence/Spacebags/EZ moving slider discs/those brownie tins that let you get only the edges, which, let’s all be honest, are the best parts:  Yes. YES. I’LL TAKE 20 of EVERYTHING.

Products that hold no value whatsoever/clearly an engineering design major’s final project:  Can I interest anyone in a Candwich?

Blenders/Ninja NJ600/Magic Bullet:  You had me at hello.  Now grind this boulder into sand.

What I love more than anything are the elaborate micro-story arcs they construct to sling these products of fascination.  A woman who is so confounded because leaning over to scrub the toilet has gotten truly impossible given the little jagged cartoon lightning bolts that are jutting out of her back.  A man who has a debilitating disorder that causes total anesthesia as to where his mouth is and consequently ALWAYS spills food on his good tie.  And then the officiants sweep in and put everyone’s minds at ease and bequeth to those poor souls products like the Great Oz gave the Tin Man his heart.  For the woman:  An Extend-O Brush-A-Matic.  For the gentleman:  a face tray that attaches neatly behind the ears.

(This is probably the funniest video I’ve watched in a very long, long time, and whoever assembled it did an amazing job.)

The reason I’m writing about is:  It’s interfering with my life.  Due to the fact that the majority of the really good infomercials come on after normal tv broadcasting has ended, if I make the mistake of leaving the television on past Conan for very long, I’m in trouble.  Because that means that I will unavoidably come across someone who is about to show me all the things he can dissect with his titanium steel paring knife and I will inevitably wake up red-eyed the next morning when the alarm goes off.  Which means I’ll drag through my day like a slug, and won’t get my daily duties done, and eventually I won’t be able to keep up with it all; the bills will pile up and I’ll have to sell the farm to pay for the kid’s education, and slip slowly into oblivion.  I can see it happening.

What a tangled, tangled web you weave, Slap Chop.

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Comments

  1. * matthew says:

    You realize you’ve infected me, right? I blogged about on the other day too. !!!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 5 months ago
    • I think that’s only more of an indication that we’re on the same wavelength.

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 5 months ago
  2. * matthew says:

    *one. I blogged about “one”.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 5 months ago


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