Actually, it IS Rocket Science


Is it just me or does nobody realize that places like Chuck E. Cheese are merely places to get kids geared up for their later careers in blowing their money at the casino?

You grin, you win, you lose it all on black 31 and have to explain to mom and dad why the house is in foreclosure.

Now here’s where I get all sentimental for the better times, even though I was only a kid less than two decades ago.

Growing up in Pennsylvania, Charles Edgerton Fromage was only a simple bystander of the head honcho who kept everyone in line:  That man’s name was Billy Bob the Bear, and shit on you if he didn’t throw the most outrageous animatronic birthday parties you’d ever been to.  His fine place of business was known as Showbiz Pizza, and the excursion to his fine restaurant meant strapping yourself in for the finest dining you could imagine as a five year old, followed up with a real humdinger of a show with Billy Bob and his entourage playing the shit out of a banjo on their own.  No puppeteers? NO PROBLEM.

(This was the best I could find, and if you stick around after the 1:08 mark then that’s your own fault)

Yeah.  Now you see why so many people my age did acid as teenagers. They were suffering from major withdrawals. What’s your excuse?

So somewhere as time progressed, the rat held up to his biggest stereotype and set his entire species back several decades by overthrowing the bear who had taken care of his animatronic family since he was handed the position, and Chuck E. Cheese surfaced as the new face of children’s entertainment dining.  But there was a swift departure from the means of entertainment when the incorporation of tickets, tokens, and prizes were introduced.  Before long, kids were slobbering to get through their shitty days at the office day care just so they could make it to bop-a-mole for that sweet little sticky hand thing that left residue on everyone’s stuff

Andrew Joseph, I swear if you get that thing in my makeup ONE MORE TIME...

Let the records show that once the vermin took over the establishment, things swiftly went downhill in how they even attempted to mask the fact that they were trying to integrate early-stage gambling addictions within their 3-10 age demographics:

YEAH!  Feelin’ bad there, little fella?  WELL, just come on over and throw some tokens in a machine and see how many tickets you get!! Don’t worry, Mom and Dad are going to love that the $10 they gave you came out to a glow stick and a Scratch n’ Sniff sticker.  You’ve EARNED your chance to play, and don’t you forget it!  Now eat some crappy-ass pizza.


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  1. * perpetualnervousness says:

    I once got a job offer to play a giant mouse at Chuck E. Cheese from my vocational counselor. I turned it down. She later told me that the other 75 or so people she worked with had turned it down, too. (Great post!)

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 4 months ago
    • That’s hilarious! Think if you had accepted. Literally One Thousand children hugging you and adding weight to the 40lb+ weight of your costume. One. Thousand children. Maybe more. I’m only estimating. 🙂

      | Reply Posted 7 years, 4 months ago

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