Actually, it IS Rocket Science



MywasteoftimeandSpace

My old Myspace profile is pretty simple (I still have it only because I’m way too lazy to actually do anything productive online like actually delete it, plus because I must have known I’d need it for a post about Myspace later in life).  I never decked it out with pre-made templates or updated to the new profile layout.  I actually prefered the simplicity of the basic style circa 2003.  Hey, by the way, a fun little experiment for those of you who still have your account with Myspace- go back on there and look at your friends.  Myspace is now an eerie time capsule of you and your friends from almost a decade ago.  People who can’t stand each other now are hugging tightly and making asses of themselves from too much booze; long since broken up couples are back together and happier than ever, and those inside jokes that you roll your eyes at now are fresher than… something really fresh.  It’s literally a virtual ghost town.

Myspace allowed you to edit practically anything while Facebook was still limiting your status updates to “(Your Name) is:” which is fine and all, but there’s only so much you can do with a prompt from a simple linking verb.  “Ashlin Phillips is that show last night was great!” just doesn’t flow that well.  Myspace allowed you to legitimately tell people you were a professional alabaster mine kumquat operator, while Facebook was asking to confirm the name of your school with the school itself.  Man, Facebook, you were such a buzzkill back then.  What’s the point of having a meaningless online friend-sharing profile if you can’t exceedingly magnify your own competencies the way you wish you could on your resume?

I was no stranger to the occasional “modification” on my Myspace profile, but I’d like to think I kept things somewhat tame.  That is in comparison to the masses who chose to rename their profiles with things like “Bunkass bitchez 4 LYFE” or those gems taken from a lyric in some shitty emo song no one remembers now like “ShE drOwNs mE iN a SeA oF PaIN.” (Side note: can someone tell me why in name of all that is holy to English grammar would anyone spend extra time writing something that way?  That sentence took me around an extra minute between pressing shift between letters and wanting to vomit from the extreme patheticness of the sentence itself.  Not efficient.  Also looks like shit and murders my eyes).

I chose instead to play around with the arrangement of my name and to mess around with my stats, knowing full well that the people who mattered would obviously know I A) was not born in 1962, and B) did not reside in Wyoming.  (please refer to Fig. A for supplemental visual aid)

Fig. A

Then some funny things started happening.

I started getting questioned by people I saw on a regular basis about my profile information.  Someone asked me why I said I lived in Wyoming, while failing to realize that “No such thing as” is not even a township, district, or legislatively recognized municipality.  Someone else told me in their most sincerest voice that I looked good for 49 years old.  Someone even came up to me in a near panic and tried to warn me that my profile had been hacked.

Then someone who I had hung out with several occasions before during a chance encounter approached me and said in all seriousness, “I think I’ve been saying your name wrong.  I’m really sorry, ‘Ahhh-slin.'”  Which was when I realized shit had gone too far.  Why was my profile being picked apart like an attorney with a personal vendetta against me while these other greasy-faced emo-haired mopes were getting off scott-free?! I questioned this for a long time, until a rare moment of clarity kicked in after a long night of loud music, loud friends, and loud debates over a particular game of Battleship, in no particular order.

Because I was choosing to make small changes to my information, changes that could still be perceived as somewhat feasible, my veritas was called into question much more so than someone who chose to plot out their personal profiles by explaining that they currently took up residence in the belly of Beelzebub and were getting exceptionally good wifi.  Or someone who wanted everyone to believe they worshiped Plath when the closest they’d actually gotten to relating to the author was in passing their kitchen oven every day.  Or that angsty dude who always had food in his braces that would like you to believe that he gets paid to fornicate not-so-nice-ladies; something along those lines.  My lies were somewhat believable and therefore open to debate, although I still challenge those arguments by asking if no one as been paying attention to Steve Martin or Allan Sherman or Tom Lehrer for the past several decades.

Say what you will about Myspace now.  It’s lost its luster, yes.  But fear not the zeitgeist of yourself 5-10 years ago.  F#@% Bitchez- Get M@n$y.  Nicole  4 eva.  Poison some pigeons in the park.

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Comments

  1. * Chris Carrington says:

    I am a man who appreciates a good Garfield the Animated Series reference.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago


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