Actually, it IS Rocket Science



I can’t stand (food edition)

(ed. note: I started out writing about things I liked, but realized two things: 1) I like food too much {read: to an embarrassing extent} to actually spend time on here counting the ways; I’d be here all day. It’s easier to write down the things I don’t like because they’re so few, and I’ve calculated semi-decent arguments against all of them, and 2) Making fun of things is always more fun than listening to someone gush about that crappy-ass sandwich they ate the other day).

 

 

Okra.  I feel like I’m eating what I can only imagine the underside of a snail would be like.

Pudding.  Apart from the name itself, its consistency feels like something coagulated in my mouth.

Grapefruit.  Fun fact:  I actually ate grapefruit every day for a solid 3 years because I was under the impression it would give my metabolism a boost.  Until I got a mouth ulcer from the acid.

Overripe bananas.  The thought itself is gag-inducing enough.  Those brown spots on the skin remind me of a 90-year-old babushka and they have the viscosity of snot tapioca.

Lemon drizzled on anything savory. I guess that includes fish and chicken piccata, but I can think of about 50 different flavors I would prefer on said items.

Sweetbreads, gizzards, fois gras, and other foods made from glands or organs.  Guys, organs serve a purpose in all animal’s bodies, and it’s usually cleansing in nature.  That means that cow liver that you’re considering has seen the worst that its previous owner could throw at it.  I’m sure it tastes wonderful, but I’d rather not process one thing that’s processed everything in something else’s life.

Hot tomatoes.  This is probably the most well known among my friends, but I cannot. stand. hot. tomatoes.  I’m cool if they’re broken down into sauces or ragus, but whole hot tomatoes.  I just got the heebs.  I actually think there is a special nerve that I grew in my mouth during development that has a particular animosity for the sensation of whole hot tomatoes, because the last time I tried one my mouth puckered, my eyes squinted and I made a “Who farted” face for an entire 2 minutes.  Misery. Absolute misery.

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Comments

  1. * udmonlezun says:

    You should be writing for Dane Cook…I can SO hear him/see him doing your material. I’m sitting here just about peeing in pants. And I guess that’s about all I can say. Except…thanks for making my good day even better!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 5 months ago
  2. Likewise, Sula.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago


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